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Aug. 24th, 2008 06:14 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
zalliaToday's Sean's birthday. He would be 23. That blows my mind. We went by the cemetary today and rearranged the bugs and Mom left some hot wheels and sunflowers she had bought.
Sean's my younger brother who died of leukemia when he was 5 and I was 8. Every so often, but especially days like today, I wonder what he would have been like if he had lived. Would we have been close, going to parties, sharing friends, talking about school and life? Would I have neices and nephews to spoil and play with like everybody else? Sometimes when I read books or watch shows with good sibling relatinships it bothers me that I had the chance for that and now will never experience it. I don't doubt that we did the right thing in adopting Danny, but it was/is hard to have a close relationship, especially with the disabilities.
But for the most part, I don't think about Sean too much. I guess I repress it a lot and just stow it in the past. Even after 18 years though, I can't say too many sentences on the subject without losing my composure. I got to thinking today, too, that for all the hundreds of dreams I have every night, I can't recall one dream I've had about Sean. Perhaps when I was younger and have since forgotten, but nothing that I can recall. And in looking for something to post, I realized I don't even have any pictures of him in my house, but I wouldn't want Mom to part with any of them anyways.
Sometime after he died, a year or two? I don't know, time got kind of screwy for us in that period, but anyways, I had some friends over and I was up on the playhouse roof which was a favorite pasttime and for some reason I got in prayer position and I asked Sean that if he was okay in Heaven, to leave a puppy or a kitten on our doorstep. And then the next day Cookie showed up. She was an older cat, declawed and we're pretty sure she was just abandoned by an older person who had died in the neighborhood, but to this day I don't doubt that Sean led her to our house. She's sense moved on, as well, though. I used to wonder sometimes if Sean came back to us through one of our animals and try to find signs of his personality in some of the cats, but I was watching a psychic show with that one lady and she told a mother and daughter that when the daughter had her baby, that would be when the departed would return. And I think that's what's going to happen whenever I have a baby. That Sean's going to be reincarnated and be back with us again that way. I know it sounds crazy and dumb and there's no way to verify it, but it comforts me to think that and gives me something to look forward to and keep him connected to us.
Anyways, sorry for the depressing stream of conscious post. It was just something I wanted to get off my chest and this is the closest thing to a diary I have and I can't talk about this stuff out loud without getting choked up and losing it. Here's a pic of us. Happy Birthday, Sean! I hope you're still Happy in Heaven.
EDIT: Having Chiblet here annoying me on my lap, I suddenly had the thought that what if all the other cats that have found their way to our house: Big White, Mishka, Chiblet, Belle/Sasha, Vincent, Mr. Kitty and all the others were led there by Sean. That would totally be his idea of joke, to just keep sending cats to us. This amuses me greatly now. :)
Sean's my younger brother who died of leukemia when he was 5 and I was 8. Every so often, but especially days like today, I wonder what he would have been like if he had lived. Would we have been close, going to parties, sharing friends, talking about school and life? Would I have neices and nephews to spoil and play with like everybody else? Sometimes when I read books or watch shows with good sibling relatinships it bothers me that I had the chance for that and now will never experience it. I don't doubt that we did the right thing in adopting Danny, but it was/is hard to have a close relationship, especially with the disabilities.
But for the most part, I don't think about Sean too much. I guess I repress it a lot and just stow it in the past. Even after 18 years though, I can't say too many sentences on the subject without losing my composure. I got to thinking today, too, that for all the hundreds of dreams I have every night, I can't recall one dream I've had about Sean. Perhaps when I was younger and have since forgotten, but nothing that I can recall. And in looking for something to post, I realized I don't even have any pictures of him in my house, but I wouldn't want Mom to part with any of them anyways.
Sometime after he died, a year or two? I don't know, time got kind of screwy for us in that period, but anyways, I had some friends over and I was up on the playhouse roof which was a favorite pasttime and for some reason I got in prayer position and I asked Sean that if he was okay in Heaven, to leave a puppy or a kitten on our doorstep. And then the next day Cookie showed up. She was an older cat, declawed and we're pretty sure she was just abandoned by an older person who had died in the neighborhood, but to this day I don't doubt that Sean led her to our house. She's sense moved on, as well, though. I used to wonder sometimes if Sean came back to us through one of our animals and try to find signs of his personality in some of the cats, but I was watching a psychic show with that one lady and she told a mother and daughter that when the daughter had her baby, that would be when the departed would return. And I think that's what's going to happen whenever I have a baby. That Sean's going to be reincarnated and be back with us again that way. I know it sounds crazy and dumb and there's no way to verify it, but it comforts me to think that and gives me something to look forward to and keep him connected to us.
Anyways, sorry for the depressing stream of conscious post. It was just something I wanted to get off my chest and this is the closest thing to a diary I have and I can't talk about this stuff out loud without getting choked up and losing it. Here's a pic of us. Happy Birthday, Sean! I hope you're still Happy in Heaven.
EDIT: Having Chiblet here annoying me on my lap, I suddenly had the thought that what if all the other cats that have found their way to our house: Big White, Mishka, Chiblet, Belle/Sasha, Vincent, Mr. Kitty and all the others were led there by Sean. That would totally be his idea of joke, to just keep sending cats to us. This amuses me greatly now. :)
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no subject
Date: 2008-08-25 01:02 am (UTC)Happy Birthday Sean!
Date: 2008-08-25 01:32 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-08-25 01:48 am (UTC):( I'm sorry for your loss.
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Date: 2008-08-25 05:07 am (UTC)I wonder how many more Sean cats you'll receive. ^_^
no subject
Date: 2008-08-25 05:15 am (UTC)*hug*