zallia | I need a guide for my memories...

Music makes for a very good guide, but it can only do so much. Stupid paper that's due tomorrow is making me very sad. I hate myself for putting things like this off. But I do it every time. Everybody is sad today, it seems. I saw Karina last Thursday. Her son died at the end of December, but she seemed so amazingly well. She has her religion to support her and while I believe a lot of the same concepts she does, I still cry and cry when faced with death, even if it's in a show...I spent a whole night crying about my betta fish. Perhaps, it's unresolved feelings or just the person I am, I don't know. She was just so okay with it, knowing he was in the spiritual world, still learning and growing.
I recently aquired a book that tells your personology by your birthday. I am a impatient, impulsive, irresponsible, overly emotional, jealous, secretive, critical, moody and nervous in the negative according to numerology. Positive, I'm intuitive, perfectionist, creative and good at dealing with people. Funny how one so outweighs the other. And one of the positives I would put in the negative category....
I'm with Sunnie. People are so annoying and inconsiderate and oblivious and just....troublesome. I just want to close my eyes and drift in peace. I don't know what I'm doing here. Why I'm here...what good I should be doing. I can't even organize my past, how am I supposed to deal with the future? The theme of this week seems to be people taking and taking and using others who are more submissive and less inclined to be the assertive one until there's nothing left. Sometimes things are so fuzzy and confusing but sometimes I can see so clearly. It's those times I feel so....angry. So tired of this world. Everything seems so empty and useless now. What does it all amount to? What truly leads to happiness? Why do I do the things I do? Does it do me any good, really? Or do I just need to go zen and realize that none of it matters because I don't matter.
I am me. Sometimes that's good, sometimes that's bad. Sometimes it's just a part of the way things are. Like now. I used to do it more when I was little. Leaving my body and looking at myself from the outside. Seeing everything objectivly. It was scary and disorienting though so I'd pull back from it quickly....or going into states where I think I'm all meta, but I think I was just being dumb. Are they really glimpses of the bigger picture or just me being confused and dazed for awhile and an overactive imagination?
How much longer can we go on....this is very quickly culminating to a bad end. Or at least to a different life we'll have to lead. Oyasumi, world....tick tock goes the clock. Should we fear death when it will release us to a higher plane of thinking and knowledge? I wish I knew my past. Past lives, past worlds, past Amanda, the past is the key to the future...and yet I cannot abide by history. Knowledge only takes you so far, before action must be implemented if you want to control your future. I have a destiny, but I don't know if it will be fulfilled. I try my best, but I don't think I do. I want it badly, but.....if it's meant to be it will happen, no? If I do nothing, will i end up some dirty vagabond with nothing to show. Or will the pieces be laid out before because that is how it is meant to be.
We take drugs to escape from reality, but where do we go then, if it's not this reality? It just changes our perception of reality. And our perception can never be thought accurate anyway. I shall always be underestimated and that will prove to be an advantage. I don't know if I can live up to go above the estimation though. Support and strength found through other people. Perhaps this is the way to rise above ourselves...I don't know that I even have the capacity to put up with that though. Such effort that leads to such unpredictable results. I dislike it. And yet, I have no choice but to desire it. It's all just a desperate struggle....I am sad for us, yet again.